11/12/2000 Advice Column
Sincerely, Inqusitive
I always warn men and women about giving too much too soon in a relationship. The other side of that warning is wanting too much too soon. And both giving too much and wanting too much includes information about yourself and the relationship. If you give too much information about yourself too soon, you kill the mystery and the surprises of finding out about you as the relationship goes on. If you want to know too much too soon, you kill the chance for the relationship to develop naturally.
Stop trying to find out about the future of this relationship. It's too soon. Instead, practice living in the here and now and don't futurize about what might happen. You're not going to find out about the future of this relationship, and by worrying about it, you won't enjoy the present. Go to the lake and enjoy yourself. Meet his friends. Maybe he's not sure how he feels about you and wants to see how you fit into his group of friends and if you enjoy the same activities he does. More importantly, you don't know him well enough to know if you even want a long-term relationship with him.
The best thing you can do is stop asking him to do anything. After all, he's turned you down twice. Don't strike out by asking again. It's a bad precedent to set to have a man say no to you too many times. As for your boring date, you have to realize not every date will be great, but you also have to give the relationship time so that you can find out if this guy is simply moody and/or can't have a good time without his gang around him. Most of all, you haven't seen how he behaves under stress. Anyone can be nice when life is smooth and there are no problems. The real test of a person is how they react when everything turns lousy. It's also a test of you to see if you can get past one bad date.
The other point to keep in mind is that most successful people are able to live with uncertainty, and your ability to do so will influence your success in relationships and in life. Not every relationship or life situation has a good/bad, yes/no answer that is immediately apparent. The future of most romantic relationships won't be apparent until you've been dating at least six months and sometimes it takes a couple of years to really know someone, to develop trust and to see if there's a future.
Good luck,
Dr. Tracy
Now, I know it's not that he has a decreased sex drive by any means. The other day when I was at his house, he decided to take a shower, I was feeling a little frisky and decided to sneak up on him. I had already told him that I was in the mood, so I assumed he knew that I would want him eventually that day. When I opened the door, I found him masturbating in the shower (he has a clear curtain). He had his back to me and did not know I was there. It seemed like it was a good opportunity, but I decided against it, since I was not invited. When he came out, I told him I had peeked in on him and he told me I had invaded his privacy and throughly embarrassed him. Which is completely true. But, I mean, he is also on line a lot looking at porn and masturbating frequently (he admits to getting off alone, even when he knows I am on my way over his house and more than willing to oblige whenever he wants).
I can understand someone doing these things this often if they didn't have someone, or if their person wasn't available. I can even understand if he were to do this once in a while. But, dammit, I've been right here! I am feeling a little left out on the fun here. I have tried various things to spice things up a little, but nothing ever works. This weekend I had to resort to begging him to do anything with me. He tells me that he doesn't masturbate because he's not attracted to me. He claims that I am very attractive to him. I believe him, because he always tells me the absolute truth (he is crazy when it comes to honesty). But, he doesn't really give a reason why I am often left out on the main event. Can you offer some insight on this. Maybe offer advice. I don't think I can really discuss this with him any more because the shower incident made everything very awkward between us. Do I have to just live with it and accept that he's more interested in being by himself than being with me?
At your age and your boyfriend's age, you should be able to make love more than once a week at most. You are at the horniest age and so is your boyfriend. If he isn't interested in making love with you as much as you want after just four months, then you have a serious problem, and it has nothing to do with his masturbation or his looking at pornography.
Many men masturbate and have lots of sex with their partner as well. If your boyfriend can't be the lover you need, then you need to find a new boyfriend. Don't beg him for more time or more sex. Begging is demeaning, and frankly, not very sexy.
If you want sex and he doesn't, then leave his house. Don't hang around and allow yourself to be put down by being rejected. Instead, turn the tables and reject him for his sexual indifference. He'll wonder where you're going and who you're going to be with. You'll restore the balance of power in this unbalanced relationship.
Then go out and find someone who thinks you're wonderful, who wants you all the time, and who can't get enough of you.
Good luck,
Dr. Tracy
This is my problem. My husband has a sexual fantasy that involves me making love to another woman while he watches. I don't share his fantasy at all.
He feels like I am rejecting him by not wanting to do this. I just want our sex life to stay between me and him and not involve anyone else. This is tearing our marriage apart and we seem to be at a standstill.
Any advice?
On principle, I'm not against two women having sex by any means, nor am I against one woman's husband watching. What I am against is anyone feeling pressured to perform a sex act of any kind. Frankly, your husband is getting plenty of sex. Four or five times a week is more than most men get, and you are under no obligation to fulfill his sexual fantasy. If you want your sex life to stay between the two of you, that's where it should stay, period.
Your husband sounds like an inconsiderate, demanding child who is only thinking about himself and his desires and not about you. He also may be using your refusal to satisfy his demands as an excuse to tear your marriage apart because there are other, unspoken issues involved.
The reality is that every sexual fantasy doesn't get satisfied. Your husband should grow up and realize that. If he wants to watch two women making love, there are lots of erotic videos out there that he can buy and watch to his heart's content. If he refuses to satisfy his fantasy that way, you and he should see a therapist to find out why after 11 years of marriage, he's using this sexual fantasy as a way to beat up on you emotionally.
Good luck,
Dr. Tracy
Dr. Tracy says, "Is your question urgent? Many of the most beseeching, desperate messages I get are not answered in this column because the answer is just a couple of clicks away in my Love Library. Have you tried my Love Library? I know that nobody goes to libraries anymore, but check this one out -- it's so easily searchable that it's fun and easy to use!"
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