10/19/97 Advice Column
Please give me your advice and opinion. Thank you.
Tell your boyfriend you want to set two dates -- one when you'll be officially engaged, and the other when you'll get married.
He may be upset at the prospect of buying a ring. Lots of guys are. If he is, then no big deal. You can always get a ring. As a matter of fact, many couples get engaged and married without a big wedding ring. Then they get a ring years later when they can afford it. A ring is not what this is about. Loving each other and making a commitment is what it's about. Read The Steps To Commitment in my library.
If you really want to live with him, don't let a ring stand in the way. There's nothing wrong with living together before you get married. Many couples have lived together and later married. I for one lived with my husband for a year and a half before we got married. It was a good way to see how compatible we really were and after living together for that long we couldn't see ourselves living with anyone else.
This is not an issue to ask other people about. They will all tell you what they want you to do, and you must follow your heart. If you feel that after living together you will become even more bonded and he will feel ready, then go for it. What have you got to lose? You are both old enough to live on your own and it's about time you both moved out of your parent's homes.
Okay, in August of 97 I was a young single careless man. I was enjoying being single for a while until this girl I really don't like started obsessing over me. So I told one of my friends that I didn't want to be single anymore. So she contacted one of my ex-girlfriends, which still had very strong feelings for me, but I never felt the same "feelings" for her. So she ended asking me out for the second time, and I said yes. She had a job working at Azteca, and I had football practice twice a day, 7 hours a day. That did not leave much time for her and me. And I still don't have feelings for her.
Now, I have much respect for women, and too mature for my age, because I am constantly looking for a long term relationships. I treat women like queens and not like one of the "guys."
I have never had an affair with another woman before, until now. This other Woman, I met at school, and she invited me to a party. So, I went (because I am a teen). We hit it off to a good start, we talked and walked, then not realizing at the moment I had another girlfriend, I asked her out and she said yes.
I have been trying to break off my other relationship. But I cannot think of anything to say to her without hurting her and losing a couple of friends at the same time. She a very very tempermental type of person.
This other women, we both have strong mutual feelings about eachother. She treats me like a person and not a object. I am so open to her, more than any of my other ex-s.
So, I was wondering how to let this woman I don't feel strongly for, down. And anything else I should do.
Sincerely, Two for One
Do the right thing, though, and don't string her along. Tell her right away that you have met someone else and that you have strong feelings for this other woman. You will then have to take responsibility for your acts -- even if you are a teenager. That means that you may lose a friend or two and some people may say you are a jerk. Whatever you do has consequences in life, and those are the consequences of what you've done.
Be sure to let her know that it's not that there's anything wrong with her, that she's a really nice person and you'll always remember the good times you had together. Tell her it's not that she did anything wrong. Actually you're the one at fault.
Let this be a lesson: Don't get involved with someone unless you're sure you mean it. So take it like a man. Let her rant and rave. let her call you names. Agree with her. Tell her she's right and you're a dog -- which you are for letting her think you liked her when you really didn't care that much.
A woman scorned is a dangerous thing. She'll probably go through the roof and tell everyone what an awful person you are. Who knows what else she'll do. You knew she was tempermental when you got involved with her, now you have to suffer the consequences of her temperament.
Good luck (you'll need it),
I am so desperate for true love and it seems so hopeless. And the problem is in ME.
PLease HELP !
You're one of those people with such low self-esteem that they think anybody who wants them must be nuts. If you don't love yourself you'll never believe anybody really loves you, and you'll always wonder what's wrong with them if they say they do.
Perhaps you just want to see if you can get a guy, but when you do the game is over because you really don't want anyone to get close to you.
You must deal with your own problems first before you can have a serious relationship. Visit the psychology department at your university and talk to someone there about working on your self-esteem problems. See if there is something in your past (such as watching your parents have a terrible marriage) that keeps you in a state of not wanting to get close.
You need a therapist, not a guy. The fact that you're so lonely makes me wonder if you have any friends. Perhaps you should start by developing friendships first, then move on to a relationship.
A relationship is not going to cure your life or make you happy. Get a life and be happy first, then get a relationship as the icing on the cake, not the whole enchalada.
Dr. Tracy says, "Is your question urgent? Many of the most beseeching, desperate messages I get are not answered in this column because the answer is just a couple of clicks away in my Love Library. Have you tried my Love Library? I know that nobody goes to libraries anymore, but check this one out -- it's so easily searchable that it's fun and easy to use!"
If you can't find your answer in the Library and you feel you MUST have an answer, you can get a personal answer from Dr. Tracy within 48 hours by availing yourself of her inexpensive private counseling.