Beware of Young Girls
Dear Dr. Tracy,
Last fall my husband started to go to work early and staying late all the time
I found out later that he was meeting with this young girl before and after
He says they were just friends,talking to one another.
This is a man that has never talked to me about anything in our 13 yrs
He has told me he loved her, then said he only said it out of anger at me.
He has told me that I should be more like her. To him, she can do no wrong.
This young girl(21-22) called me, sent email to me, telling me everything that
him and her talked about. She takes her pleasure from my pain. When I ask him
if he has told her any of this
stuff, he says he has. He also says that he has not ever talked to anyone else
about our problems.
My point is, then it is her doing this to me and not someone else. He thinks
that she wouldn't do something so childish as to tell me what him and her are
doing or talking about.
How would I know everything if she wasn't telling me? And it is all true..
For almost 6 mos he refused to tell me he loved me. He refused to tell me that
he didn't care for her, that there was never nothing between them, I begged
him to walk away from her. He refused. He said, why can't I have both?
He felt I had no right to ask him if her loved her. That I should know the
answer to that question without asking him.
He has hurt me more in the past almost yr with her, than he has ever done in
all these yrs.
He has lied to me outright about her. I can't take the pain any more.
He refuses to go to counseling. He says that I am the one with the problem,
not him. That he isn't going to someone who doesn't know anything.
yet..he can go and talk to some girl barely out of school about us.
He said some pretty nasty things about me to her. He told my most sacred and
very real fears to her and didn't care what it did to me.
I lost 58 lbs through all of this.
I have 5 children with this man. My question is, am I over-reacting here?
Am I imaging these problems?
I just don't feel that their relationship is through. I believe they are still
together as they work together, only they're being more careful now.
Do you think this man even loves me? Should I just walk away and start my life
over and pray that someday I will find a man who will love only me?
Please, if you can guide me in this, I would be eternally grateful.
Sometimes, it feels like I am alone in all this pain and confusion.
I have no one else to talk to about this.
Thank you for listening.
Sadly, your story isn't unique. I can't tell you how many men have done
exactly what your husband is doing. Just for starters, there's Woody Allen
and Bill Clinton, both seduced by young girls. And who could forget the
soul-wrenching songs in the album Andre Previn's wife Dory Previn wrote
about Mia Farrow seducing her husband -- the theme song was "Beware of Young
A married man has no business hanging out with a young woman without his
wife, or talking about his wife to someone else, no matter who they are or
where they work. You have a right to be upset, especially since your husband
refuses to acknowledge the problem. Because he won't go to therapy
(probably because he's afraid his guilt will show) and says the problem is
yours, get yourself into therapy immediately. Join a woman's group. Take
action. Do something nice for yourself. Start regaining your self-esteem and
self-respect which is badly damaged by this kind of experiance.
Don't put up with any more late nights or unexcused absences. Frankly, if I
were you, I'd make little Miss Homewrecker's life so miserable she'd want to
leave my husband alone. The next time she sends you an email, forward it to
her parents, her boss, her priest, or whoever else you can think of. Let her
get some of the pain too. After all, she deserves it.
As for your husband, let him know that he can't have both you and her.
If you're not sure whether they're having an affair, hire a detective.
Knowledge is power, and the truth will set you free - two old sayings that
are certainly true in cases like yours. When you know exactly what's going
on, you'll be better able to decide what to do.
If he insists on seeing her, then your only recourse is to threaten him with
divorce. This is probably not what he wants and would bring him to his
senses. So while you're looking for a good detective, check out a good
divorce lawyer too so that you know your rights and where you stand. Faced
with the reality of losing his family and home while still having to support
both will make him see the light. Only taking action will let him know
The Grass is Greener
Dear Dr. Tracy,
I'm a 23 year old student and I feel I've got a real tough decision to make.
Here's the problem starting from the beginning. I was friends with this
girl--I'll call her Brenda. She was just an "activity partner." We just
enjoyed each other's company to do outdoor activities. We had a great
friendship and there was no relationship. She moved away about two years
ago. About six months ago, she invited me to go to an island with her to go
scuba diving, parasailing, hiking, and mountain biking for a week there. I
was really excited about going so I got tickets in advance.
Since then...totally to my surprise I met this wonderful girl--Jennifer. She is
the greatest thing that has ever happened to me. We go together "like a
wink and a smile." :) I've only known her for three weeks. I really need
some advice. I don't know if I should cancel this trip (being that it will
be the only vacation I've had in the past two years) with Brenda or if I
should still go. I just don't want Jennifer to think that I'm interested in
some other girl. Jennifer knows that I'm going but she doesn't know that
I'm meeting Brenda and her parents there. Help me! I don't know what to
do. I would cancel this whole trip for Jennifer because she means a lot to
me. Please help!
Dear Just a Friend,
Even if the woman is just a friend, you should still keep your commitment
you made to her. Friends are often more important than lovers, especially if
you've just met the new woman. After all, the relationship with Jennifer
could be over in a month and you've been friends with Brenda for a long time.
Besides, it just isn't right to break a date with someone because someone
you like better comes along. Living with integrity means keeping your
commitments even if you get a better offer.
Explain to Jennifer exactly what you're doing. Tell her Brenda is a friend,
not a lover, and that you are obligated because you agreed to go and already
have the tickets. If Jennifer has any sense she'll appreciate that you are a
man of principle.
Also, Brenda will feel jealous and envious and realize that there are other
women who want you. A man who's in demand is always more desirable than one
who isn't, and a man with integrity is admired. Also, you need a vacation,
you've paid for it, and you have nothing to lose by going.
A Woman's Sexual Peak
Dear Dr. Tracy,
Can you tell me at what age women reach they're sexual peak? I'm trying to
settle a bet.
I don't know whether you're going to win or lose the bet, but here's the
skinny on women's sexual peaks. A woman reaches her real sexual pinnacle in
her early thirties. By then, she's had experience, feels comfortable with
her sexuality, knows what she wants and doesn't want, and is an expert at
Although many men are most attracted to women from eighteen to twenty-five, that's not
the best time for a woman sexually.
Men, on the other hand, reach their sexual peak at 17, and although they may
gain experience and skills at lovemaking as they get older, they will
probably never have the ease of erection or ability to perform endlessly
that they had when they were young.
So, when you see an older guy with a young girl, they are probably more sexually
compatible than you might think - she hasn't reached her peak, and he's over the hill. Neither's
sex drive is at their peak. The future, however, is not so
bright for them.
But if you see a woman in her thirties with a very young boyfriend, you can
assume they're making it like rabbits all the time because they're both at
their sexual apex. And this is actually a more stable situation.
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