5/13/2001

Dear Dr. Tracy,

I don't know what to do! I just can't kiss him this way! How can i help him to become a better kisser? Help!!!

Dear Getting Nothing in Return,

Dear Dr. Tracy,

My question is this. Do you think she should make a decision with her heart that would bring her back to me, where she had nothing but affirmation and joy and total unconditional love (which she agrees is true). -- Or stay in the "family relationship" for the sake of her two adolescent children and the "family harmony" (which she feels committed to do)?

Lost in a world of confusion

Dear Lost,

Dear Dr. Tracy,

When I was 22 I joined a band (doing vocals and guitars). I heard of them from papers since they/we are a quite popular local act but I didn't know any of the members personally before. At that time I was in the last months of my military service and just before beginning my studies in computer science.

In one of the first rehearsals a singer (also doing saxophone) joined. I thought: What a pretty and friendly girl. During the following weeks playing and rehearsing with the band I fell in love with her. But I was too shy to tell her. She was 19 those days (32 today).

Instead - while spending my last week in the army - I wrote her a long letter telling her my feelings. Since we only were good fellows at that time she was quite suprised about that. She told me that she likes me but she couldn't feel love for me.

To be mildly: I was devastated! I never had any experiences in love at all before so these kind of feelings were very new to me. (I think this is quite unusual being already 22!) We played together in that band for about four years almost every weekend on Saturdays and doing rehearsals every Friday. During that time I tried and tried to get nearer to her but she kept kindly telling me that her feelings will stay the same.

I felt that keeping on with insisting I might destroy our nice relationship. So I tried to "get rid" of these painful feelings by using my mind (not my feelings) in finding another woman to "replace" her. I contacted a marriage agency. I must have dated about 10 women. Either I said immediately "Sorry, you're not my kind" or they said immediately "Sorry, you're not my kind". But then I dated a woman where none of us said that. It just happened.

I helped her doing a move, she visited some of our gigs. We liked each other, simply spent more and more time together and discovered some common interests. Now I say: that was sympathy but no love. But at that time I could not detect that difference.

After (only) a year she asked me if we should marry (not ME, SHE! How romantic!). I simply let it happen. I was afraid of losing the first woman who was interested in me.

A year later I quit playing the band in order to have more time to finish my studies and.. because my wife wanted it that way. I still felt very strong for my bandmate. We have developped a real good friendship but from her side: no love. Two years later she got married as well.

Through the years it seems clear today I never stopped loving her while being married with a woman that I like but don't love. I found out that my wife is very moody and capricious. I find myself giving in all the times she's moodily and enjoying the good times. But today I don't feel comfortable with this situation anymore.

After not contacting my bandmate for four years (wrong: I called her every birthday!) my band reformed for a special "reunion" gig - which we still keep as a good tradition up to three or four times a year. My wife bears with it since she knows how I love to play music (she loves to sing classically and plays the piano quite well!) and since it doesn't consume that much time as it did earlier.

I'll never forget the moment when I met my bandmate again at the first rehearsal. She rushed into my arms and we stayed so for quite a few minutes. (Fortunately, we both arrived a bit earlier - coincidentally - so the other guys weren't there yet :-) Within a moment all the love I feel for her was so present as if we were never parted.

We kept contact a bit more regularly but only by phone or when rehearsing/playing with the band. (My wife's very jealous so...) Listening very carefully to her words I found out that she's not very happy with her marriage. We discoverd quite a lot similarities how her husband "suppresses" her like I feel my wife does to me: jealousy, only his/her will counts, very dominating character etc.

Of course we both changed through the years. She lost a lot of her former naiveness, I gained quite a lot self consciousness (which I hadn't much before) by having success in finding a real good job (which I owe my wife who insisted on that!). She was 26, I was 29 at that time. Because of all this I think/feel (it's both) that she likes me even a bit more than she did earlier. She often told me how she admires the way I am now and there were a few moments when she said on her own (i.e. without my "assists") that she likes me very much.

This "situation" then kept on for the next 5 years. We met with the band and talked by phone several times a year (that is, about 20 contacts a year). Sometimes we went out for dinner (after rehearsals, surreptitiously) and talked a lot about our feelings and problems. Then - all of a sudden - last December she announced that she wants to get divorced. (In Germany you live a year separated and then get divorced quite automatically.)

She found another man which she describes as a friend who supported her in finding the right decision. She is - I might say - "a bit" in love with him. She doesn't tell me but I think she sometimes shares her bed with him but she insists on living her own new life all on her own. She assures me that I am (and always will be) a very special person and a very good friend for her. When saying something nice to me she uses more "love" words than she did earlier but (up to now) she never said directly that she loves me.

My wife and I had quite a lot discussions (fights?) when she's moody. She always reproaches things that happened long ago during these discussions. I always try to calm her down but this only works if I am calm enough myself. If her mood gets better she "accepts" *my* apologies for starting the fight - but this tends to get better recently: she sometimes apologizes as well. She's clever enough to know that in most cases it's her moodiness that starts it all. But I became very sensitive as well over the years. Even only a little bad word from her makes me go in a defending position.

The occurence that my bandmate will do the hard step to get divorced tends more and more to encourage me to do the same. But my bandmate is (and always was) financially independent of her soon-to-be-ex-husband, but my wife is still studying and depends on my income. But the most important thing I'm afraid of is that her moodiness will bring her completely down if I tell her that I want to go separate ways.

Going separate ways would be the first step. But I'm well aware that maybe I could never take my second step: coming together with the woman I really love.

By now I'm very unsure of "if" and "how" I should tell her that I want a divorce. I'm very afraid of telling her. Simply: Should I or shouldn't I? And if you think I should how shall I put it to her? What is a "right" moment to tell my wife? When she's in a good mood or in a bad mood? Your hints on your internet page are very helpful but they don't answer this special situation.

Dear Unsure,

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