3/23/2003

Dear Dr. Tracy,

The break up was long and painful but after 5 months I felt like I could move on. No sooner had I felt like I had finally cut all my old ties with him did I find out he is dating one of my close friends. I wasn't angry or jealous, I was just concerned for my friend. I feel like I know my ex in a way that no one else does, and I know that he is very manipulative and is a liar. I also know my friend is a wonderful person who deserves so much better. It's just that my friend is having a real hard time with school, her job, and a bad break-up. My friend and my ex always got along well, and I think she's just really vulnerable and lonely right now and needs a shoulder to lean on. It's just my ex was the one that happened to be there.

The problem is that I want to talk to her about it, but she isn't aware that I know the situation. I want to tell her to watch out, and that he is scum, but I don't want to come across as only telling her this because I'm vindictive or jealous. In fact, if this was any other guy that I knew I would have told her right away, but since the guy happens to be my ex boyfriend it creates a sticky situation. I don't want it to seem like I'm butting my nose in, but in all reality I am truly just looking out for the welfare of my friend. Should I risk looking like a bitch and confronting her about it, or should I just mind my own business?

Thanks for your time!

Dear Best Friend,

Dear Dr. Tracy,

I was diagnosed with depression 10 years ago - at the time I was still married to my daughters' father. My depression was so bad that it got to the point that my mother and husband at the time tried to have me committed to a mental institute. After many heartsick discussions with my therapist I came to the conclusion that I was unable to care for my children. I gave my oldest daughter to my mother and my youngest to her father. Believe me when I tell you this it was the hardest thing I have ever done. My mother and my husband at the time would tell me over and over that I was doing the right thing. That what I was doing was in the best interest of the girls. To this day I still carry guilt - I am told I should not feel this way but I cannot change it. I do know in my heart I did the right thing.

Through out the years I have made great steps toward living a normal life. I stayed in therapy; I got a job, got my own checking account and have bought a home. I worked really hard to fight the depression and between medication and my therapy I have control. I am not saying that there are not times in the last 10 years that the depression has gotten the best of me but I fight hard and I bounce back. I have always been there for my girls, after-school activities, soccer, graduation etc. I go beyond my financial obligations I guess in a way it helps me compensate for the feelings of guilt.

Now current day, my oldest daughter stills lived with my mother. I have found out recently that both my daughter and mother have not been honest with me. It has been about many things; the amount of school missed (This lie caused my oldest daughter to graduate during a summer school instead of graduating with her class), money, boyfriends and most recently a car accident. So you can see that the lies are serious, not just your little white lie to save someone's feelings. When I first found out about the dishonesty I had a talk with my mother and daughter. We all agreed that there would be no more lies between us and I thought that is what was happening, until the car accident. My daughter was borrowing my father’s car while she was looking for a new/used one. She returned the car to my father who brought the car back immediately; stating the car was damaged. When I confronted my mother and daughter both lied. Statements were made that contradicted each other’s story. I spoke with my father, we made arrangement with the insurance company for repairs but there is a deductible. My father is unable to pay the $250.00. I spoke with my daughter and explained that the right thing to do is for her to be responsible. She should have given the keys to him and had him look it over before leaving. In the future if you borrow someone’s vehicle you are responsible. My ex-husband and my daughter and myself agreed to pay for the deductible.

My mother on the other hand was angry and said all I was doing was trying to help out my father. (My mother and father are divorced.) Which is true but the deductible is paid to the dealer that repairs the car not to my father. There was a huge argument with my mother over the phone right before she hung up on me she said "why don't you pay the deductible you have never done anything for these girls anyway". This hurt me more than I can put into words. I was so upset that I left work and went to my mothers to talk about this. When I got there she just keep it up screaming and saying things like I lied to you all this time this is how I truly feel about you giving up the girls. She would not stop. I returned with my own nasty words and screaming. She then called my stepfather and asked him to come home. I agreed to this, that maybe an outside mediator would help. Let me just say that my stepfather is a wonderful man and was always there when I needed him - he is an all around great guy. He asked me to stay and we would all discuss this when he got there. In just a matter of 10-15 minutes, as my stepfather estimated time of arrival got closer; my mother became even more unreasonable. My personal feeling is that she did not want my stepfather to find out the extent of lying that has been going on. I was standing in front of the TV, she got off the couch from across the room and came towards me she started to push me and bump at me with her stomach saying things like hit me come on hit me you know you want to. Finally I turned to her and called her a bad name. She then slapped me across the face. As I tried to walk away my stepfather came in.

There was alot of talk but I cannot forgive her. Her words are more than I can bear but I don't ever see me forgiving her for the slap. I am not saying I was a reasonable person at the time, but I can say I would never hit her. Nothing was resolved - I said I love you before I left but I am not sure that is how I feel. Now I just feel so unhappy. Do you have any advice to help me either just turn my back for the sake of my own mental well being or should I try to resolve these issues.

Dear Unhappy,

Dear Dr. Tracy,

Dear Disgusted,

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