What a Committed Relationship Means
Dear Dr. Tracy,
Background: I have recently committed to a long term relationship, and
effective this week we are even taking the step of living under the same
roof. As such, I consider us as one.
We were scheduled to attend a banquet
this Saturday. My mate called and said he was canceling that engagement
due to some friends inviting him to dinner. I was not included or given
the option of attending. I don't feel this is how a committed
relationship should work. Am I wrong in this thinking? I would
naturally include him in such an invitation and then give him the option
on whether he wanted to attend.
Can you clarify the best way this should be approached when it comes to our social life. Is is ok for him to feel that he should have these friends and not share (I have met them
before) at all. By the way, these are female friends and he doesn't
reveal to people that we are a couple. How do you feel about that? He
feels that what he does in his life is no ones business. Thanks for
Stop! Back off and don't move in together until you've straightened out this mess. Your mate doesn't know the first thing about sharing his life. I smell a rat.
Committed couples make plans with each other and keep them. One of them doesn't go running off, leaving the other high and dry, just because they've gotten a more enticing offer. If your mate can't keep a simple agreement to go to a banquet with you, how can you trust him to keep more difficult commitments, such as fidelity?
Speaking of fidelity, if he's not telling his women friends that you and he are a couple, that's a big red flag. A man who is going to be faithful always lets people know up front that he's committed; he certainly doesn't break a date with you to go out with female friends who think he's available.
How should all this work? Couples who are successful at commitment don't make unilateral social decisions. Before making plans, they consult with each other. If either one is going to do something on their own, it doesn't come as a surprise. And it never conflicts with the times when they're supposed to be together. Those dates are written down in ink - and ALWAYS kept. After all, if you're number one in his life, then you're supposed to come first, not after his friends.
Instead, your mate is telling you he's committed but is hiding it from his women friends. Further, he can't be counted on to keep his engagements with you. He wants you to feel committed, but he's saying "what he does in his life is no one's business." It sounds to me like he's selfish, immature, untrustworthy and not a good prospect for a relationship. You could find yourself alone next New Year's Eve while he's off on a hot date. Do not get entangled with this man until he changes. Otherwise you'll wind up very unhappy.
She Wants Sex Now
Dear Dr. Tracy,
I'm newly officially divorced, but was seperated for almost two years (love long
gone, very over it...). I've dated several men, with no spark. I've just
started dating a man that I'm extremely attracted to. He's handsome, funny,
successful, and thinks I'm awesome. The problem: It's always been a personal
policy of mine to wait almost three months for sex (and always after an HIV
test!), but I want this man now! We see each other several times a week, and
I'm not sure I can hold out much longer.
Dear Can't Hold Out,
Rules for when to have sex, like "I always wait three months," are okay up to a point. They're fine for when you really don't want to have sex, and they'll keep you from having sex with someone who isn't right for you. However, if you're truly in lust, and maybe falling in love a little, it'll be almost impossible to put off, as you're finding.
Rules for love are hard to enforce because everything changes depending on who you're with. One guy could be a no-sex-ever guy, another could be a sex-maybe-in-six-months guy, and another could be an "I want him now," type of man. Obviously you've got the third kind. You're an adult and so is he, and if you want to make him an exception to your rule, that's okay. After all, you made the rule, and you can decide to break it. Or maybe you need new rules.
So you're going to be swept away by passion and you're going to make love with him and break your three-month rule. That's fine. Just remember, if you're going to do it, do it and enjoy it. Don't make half-hearted love or beat yourself up for it afterwards because you're breaking your rule. If you're gonna do it, do it whole-heartedly and without regrets.
Of course, get those HIV tests right away, and in the meantime, be sure he uses a condom. And don't expect to own him after you make love. Make a conscious effort not to change to a clingy woman just because he had sex with you. Be sure that you remain the same woman he was attracted to in the first place. Often, when a woman has sex with a man, she expects the whole relationship to change, and she changes. She becomes demanding and possessive. Having sex doesn't mean you get to control him. It just means you get to enjoy him.
When Is a Fetish Wrong?
Dear Dr. Tracy,
I'm sure you've heard it all. So please tell me what is wrong with
me. My personal fetish is short women (4'8 - 5'2). I am average height
and weight (5'10, 180). I love short women, fantasize about them, stop
and stare at them, and worship the ground they walk on. By the way, I am
very happily married to one.
So what is my deep psycological problem that I need to work on?
While we are on the subject, exactly how tall are you again?
Dear Shorty lover,
There may be nothing wrong with you. Your fetish/attraction/fascination with short women could be as simple as having your first erotic encounter with a short woman. Perhaps a short woman was around when you first experienced arousal in your childhood. Perhaps you had a short woman teacher whom you adored.
On the other hand, your fascination for short women could be because a short woman could make you feel taller. Or perhaps you're insecure and feel that a short woman would be easier to control since you're bigger than her. I hope not. It's a big mistake for men to pick short women on the assumption that they're easy to control. Short women often compensate for being short by being really tough and independent. Some of the most successful women executives are short women.
No fetish is wrong as long as it doesn't cause harm or pain to another person, although some fetishes definitely seem weird to those who don't have them. But short women as a fetish seems pretty harmless to me, as long as your wife doesn't get upset with all that leering at other short women. After all, there are men who only like tall women, or fat women or thin women. It's no big deal.
And for your information, I'm not that short.
Submitting a Question to this column
Dr. Tracy regrets that it is simply impossible for her to answer all of the hundreds of questions submitted to this column each week. However, she does read every question, and tries to select the three which are of the most general interest to the visitors here.
Dr. Tracy says, "Is your question urgent? Many of the most beseeching, desperate messages
I get are not answered in this column because the answer is just a couple of clicks away in my
Love Library. Have you tried my Love Library? I know that nobody goes to libraries anymore, but check this one out -- it's so easily searchable that it's fun and easy to use!"
If you can't find your answer in the Library and you feel you MUST have an answer, you can
get a personal answer from Dr. Tracy within two business days by availing yourself of her inexpensive
You may submit your question to Dr.Tracy's column by e-mail here. (Tips: to increase your chances of having your question chosen, state your age and your marital history, and remember to use paragraph breaks so that your question isn't just one big, hard-to-read clump of words. Also, questions in all caps won't be answered.)
(Featured art from cover of Letting Go, by Zev
Wanderer and Tracy Cabot, published by "Bitan" Publishers,
Return to "Ask Dr. Tracy" Home Page
copyright 1995-2011 Tracy Cabot