4/11/99 Advice Column
When will the column start again? Tell the Dr. to get over it!
And to those of you whose problems have been waiting so patiently for an answer, I will work my way through the backlog and answer as many as I can.
Also, to those who thought I took too much time off and that I'd mourned enough: perhaps you've noticed that www.loveadvice.com is a pure site without advertising or sponsors. That means I get to do whatever I want, including taking time off when I need it. When you have your own problems to deal with, it's difficult to deal with hundreds of other's problems with clarity and empathy, so when I feel the need to take time off for personal reasons, I hope you will understand.
However, there was another reason I took time off -- and that's because, after my mother's funeral, Marshall and I went ahead with our long-delayed move from California to Hawaii. And everyone who's moved a well-established household knows how all-consuming that can be.
Anyway, I'm back. Aloha to my old friends and some new ones too. Let the questions roll.
My dilemma is am I crazy for forsaking a great relationship for the possibility of finding someone to marry and father children with (not necessarily the person mentioned above.) I would love to wait for the 17 year old to be a few years older...but I have and know that there are no gaurantees...help!!!!!
I'm sure the older woman you've been with all this time has wondered when and if you're going to dump her day for a younger woman. Now that you're getting serious about leaving her, don't you think it's a little selfish not to consider the way she will feel?
Although I understand your feelings about marriage and children have changed since you first entered this relationship, you're totally out of your mind if you think you're going to find happiness with a seventeen year old you hardly know. You are also nuts to give up a great relationship wihout trying to work out the problem. Have you discussed this with the older woman you've been with for nine years? Perhaps she'd be willing to consider adoption or hiring a surrogate.
If you can't work out a solution with the woman you are with, then find a woman your own age, but forget about the seventeen year old.
Old reminders are a person's history. Should he throw out all the old pictures that don't have you in it? Of course not. Do you have to throw out your high school prom picture because another guy was your date? Of course not. Memories are just that. Your husband's past, including all the women he dated before you, is what molded him into the person you love.
He's yours now. She's just a face on a picture and a signature on a letter that reminds him of a relationship he once had. It's meaningless.
Believe me, if that's the biggest upset you ever have, you'll be a lucky bride.
I hope he has some letters from you too in his memory box. If not, I suggest you start writing. You don't have to be apart to write a love letter. Tell him how much you love him and why. You have the rest of your life to write to him, and to appreciate having such a sentimental guy. Most men toss everything.
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