1/4/98 Advice Column
I feel this is totally wrong. My parents would not do this to me, and I am at a loss to understand it. She and I are happy with each other, at least that's what she tells me. She says she loves me "more than you know," but cannot be torn anymore. She says she wants to be friends, and "maybe someday" things can be different. She says she doesn't want her mother to die resenting me, because that would make her resent me. She also says she "cannot function" without her family relationship and needs "space and time."
What's strange is her mother doesn't have a problem (or so she says) with us being friends and going to a movie now and then. I'm totally confused. What are your thoughts on the matter?
So get on with your life, date other women, and leave her alone except for a brief, friendly call every few weeks. She's still quite young and may truly need some time to make up her mind about you. And, of course, her mother could die (as she seems to anticipate), which would remove a big obstacle to getting back together.
But forget the "movie now and then" -- don't let yourself get trapped in some limbo status with her. And don't spend your time pining away for her or trying to figure out how to worm your way back into the relationship -- with her mother against you and her asking for space and time, it's presently a hopeless situation.
Three years later he and I started talking again (we see each other at work and went for that long avoiding each other). Three years after that we began having lunch, etc. Now we are having an affair.
He says that it was a mistake to leave me, he would be happier with me, blah, blah, blah...But after all of this time, there is no indication that he is going to leave her. His friends dislike her, his children (yes he was married before me and left number one because of the affair!) don't like her and she doesn't like them. He won't give me a straight answer as to why he is staying with her..only that he feels that for once in his life he should honor a commitment!
If I never had to see him, perhaps I could stay away. But between seeing him 2 to 3 times per week and still being involved with his children (children! they are 20 and 23) my resolve is low. I promise myself that I will ignore him, but...
What kind of game is he playing?????
You want an answer as to why he is staying with her and having sex with you? It's very simple. Because you let him.
If you want to get this situation resolved, tell him he has to choose. Then cut him off entirely and go back to the way you were when you were ignoring him. Let him know there's no nooky, no nothing, unless he uncommits. After all, he's not really honoring his commitment if he's with you, is he? What a bunch of b.s. he's handing you and you're lapping it up like milk.
Tell him to honor his commitment, but not to bother you until he's free. Then find someone to love who only needs one woman at a time.
He says he needs "variety" (lots of different women sexually), that he cares for me but doesn't love me, that our relationship will not last, etc. However, he wants an "open relationship" (i.e. be free to date and have sex with whatever and however many women he wants to, and he wants me to date other men, as well), and still live together. He says, "We can have the best of both worlds"!
I love this man very much, and I can't feature not living together, but his attitude, lack of feelings for me, etc. blow my mind. We belong to a Swingers group, and I've participated, but it kills me every time he gets close to or has sex with another woman. He says I'm jealous and that is true to some extent, but i feel used, disrespected, hurt, devastated, etc.
I've offered to go to counseling with him (he admits he has stopped having sex with all his many, many previous girlfriends), but he refuses.
A man who refuses to go to counseling with you is saying, hey, I don't care if this relationship works or not. If you insist on staying with him, you should resign yourself to being repeatedly hurt by his words and actions.
Why can't you believe what he says? The truth is that he's telling you his feelings and you are refusing to accept them. Always listen to what a man says. If he says he doesn't love you and he doesn't think your relationship will last, believe him.
It's hard enough to find a good relationship and make it last when you are buffeted with life's problems. It's almost impossible to have a relationship last when you start out without love or commitment.
This guy just doesn't care how much he hurts you and neither do you. That's a prescription for heartbreak and continued pain. Get a grip. Refuse to go along with activities you really hate. Swinging may not be as much fun for him if he doesn't have you along to torture. You'll feel better about yourself too.
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