Unhappy with your relationship but not sure whether you
should keep trying or not? Here's when to split:
A dozen sound reasons for getting out of a
If you're still not sure about your relationship, read "`Convenient' Relationships". If you decide the
relationship can be saved, all of the articles in Category 4
of my Library can help you, starting with "Why People Love". If you decide it
can't be saved, read "Ending It"
and "Letting Go".
- 1. If You've Been Hurt Physically
- Temporary Insanity may have worked for Lorena Bobbitt,
but you're not running a court of law. Ignore excuses and
apologies; if violence has surfaced, it will surface again.
Get out at the very first strike.
- 2. When You're Totally Incompatible
- If your lover's dream is to drop out and become self-
sufficient on a farm somewhere, and you're a city person
with ambitions, one of you is going to be seriously unhappy
if you stay together. Or, if you always want to go out and
he or she always wants to stay home, look for someone whose
social style is closer to yours.
- 3. When He Or She Isn't Even Close To Your
- If you're a longtime luckless single, you may be tempted
to stay with someone just because they're available and
willing, but don't do it. He or she has to turn you on
somewhat; there has to be some chemistry and some future.
- 4. When He Or She Just Can't Say "I Love You"
- Even if there's chemistry, if someone can't express
their love for you with affectionate gestures, nurturing,
and the magic words, "I love you," you'll never feel really
satisfied with them. See "The Broken Popcorn Machine
- 5. When He Or She Is Just Not There For You
- If you've been dating for more than six months and you
can't count on him or her to come and get you if your car
breaks down, or to be your date for New Year's Eve, or even
to feed your goldfish when you're away on a business trip,
then you don't have a solid relationship.
- 6. When You're Afraid To Express
- Being in love should bring out the best in you. It
should help you be less self-conscious and make you more
open and alive. If instead, you worry that you'll upset the
applecart if you say what you think, or if you're afraid
that the least little thing will destroy the delicate
balance you've achieved, or if you feel like you're walking
on eggs all the time, get out.
- 7. When Your Self-esteem Is Suffering
- If your relationship is demeaning, makes you feel bad
about yourself, leaves you feeling like you're never
listened to, and you're getting more criticism than praise,
then it's time to get out. A good relationship makes you
feel respected and loved, worthwhile and good about
- 8. When He Or She Is A Philanderer
- Philanderers usually leave track records behind them
(see "Qualifying Someone"). If you discover your mate has
that kind of history, don't believe "never again." The
heartache and torment will never end. And in the age of
AIDS, any kind of a sex life with an unfaithful mate means
condoms forever. Who needs this?
- 9. When He Or She Commits An Unforgiveable
- There are single acts which are so beyond the pale that
they should mean THE END. If he or she sleeps with your
best friend, stands you up at the altar, or commits murder,
dump him or her with no second chances. Even if you were to
able to forgive, your self-esteem would never recover, and
you'd still always be angry at him or her underneath.
- 10. When The Same Problems Recur
- Sadly, loving someone doesn't alway guarantee that you
can happily spend the rest of your lives together. If
you've broken up and gotten back together, and you're still
having the same fights, the same problems or different
versions of the same problem, especially if you've tried
relationship counseling, then give up and find someone
- 11. When He Or She Says "I Need Some Space"
- The relationship seems to have stalled, and then your
partner mumbles something like, "I want time," or "I want
space," or "I want to date," or "I need to devote myself to
my career." Almost always, what he or she means is, "I want
out." These things happen. Don't drag it out. Say,
"Sounds like you want to break up. I'm sorry you feel that
way, but I understand. I hope we can remain friends."
- 12. When The Relationship Just Doesn't
- Relationships have a natural progression (see "The Steps To Commitment"). If
you're not progressing and you can't pinpoint the cause, you
might want to try relationship counseling. However, if he
or she won't go, and things don't improve, the relationship
is coming to an end. Again, these things happen. Don't
drag it out.
Related Keywords: Letting Go, Criticism, Fighting, Dependency, Infidelity
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