In "Men to Avoid, Part 1", we
reviewed some men who won't marry you. Here are the men YOU
don't want to marry.
- The Achiever
- The Achiever is a universal man married to a higher
cause, dedicated to something larger than he is, like
medicine, or humanity. The Achiever is an admirable member
of society but a lousy partner in a relationship. He pays
little attention to you and is often too tired to do
anything but sleep when he takes time off.
Your love for each other is a grain of sand compared to the
global grandeur of his more time-consuming passion, but he
does have some advantages. He is dependable -- for some
things. He always knows what time it is, he makes dates
well in advance, and if he can't show, he'll either call or
be reasonably apologetic.
It's easy to get sucked in by an Achiever. On the surface
he's such a good citizen, so attractive, successful, hard
working, affluent, even intelligent. He's the man your
mother always dreamed you'd marry.
It's impossible not to think of marriage with him, because
an Achiever offers financial security and obviously needs a
wife. Then he could devote more time to his coma patients
or to his study of prehistoric reptiles. Without having to
worry about details like cooking or cleaning house, he could
save precious seconds. Actually, a robot would do fine for
that, but he needs a Stepford wife to sit quietly at awards
dinners and look good.
If you try to get him away from his work, he will only make
you feel tacky and small. Your world consciousness will be
suspect and he'll most likely suggest volunteer work of some
kind. If all this upsets you, don't complain to your mother
or your friends; they'll agree with him.
- The Timebomb
- The Timebomb is your classic unstable personality hidden
beneath a normal veneer. Timebombs come in several
varieties: latent alcoholics, compulsive gamblers, obsessive
Don Juans, drug abusers, physical abusers, and just plain
crazies. If you could see the inner person, you wouldn't go
near him. The problem is that the Timebomb is attractive
and charming on the surface, and it's hard to hear the
He's so nice in the beginning that you tend to get hooked.
Then, just as you begin to feel certain that true love has
at last felled you and someone else at the same time, an
explosion goes off. And of course the first time it happens
you don't recognize it as a pattern.
The Timebomb doesn't just get mad when you argue. He breaks
your jaw. He doesn't just fall in love with another woman.
He runs off with your best friend when you're seven
months pregnant. He doesn't just lose his job, he gets
fired for embezzling money and expects you to stand by him
during the trial. He doesn't just blow money at the track,
he loses your life savings.
Afterwards, he swears he is reformed; he'll never binge,
gamble, cheat, O.D., hit you, or go crazy again.... If he's
got you hooked on loving him, you forgive him and hope all
will be well.
But it isn't, and the signs were there all along. His ex-
wife doesn't speak to him, his former live-in girl friend is
in an institution for the mentally disturbed, and a jealous
male or enraged female is always trying to kill him. He
hates his job and always wanted to be an actor. He even took
If you listen very closely, you can hear the ticking. A Timebomb
seems to enjoy telling about his perilous personal life: how
his ex-wife tried to run him over with her car, how some guy
tried to shoot him for dating his girl.
Get out when you hear the ticking, not after the explosion.
Separate your bank accounts and divide up your mutual
possessions. Then change your phone number and the locks on
your door. Never accept collect calls from jail.
- The Waffler
- The Waffler won't make a decision. He's not sure of
anything, including whether he wants you. The basic reason
he can't decide is because he's greedy. He really wants
everything. He's afraid he's missing something with someone
else each minute he's with you.
A Waffler never makes a date ahead of time for anything
because he is afraid something better might come along at
the last minute, and then he'd be committed to you and
unhappy all night thinking about what he might have missed.
He breaks dates often, especially after the initial glow of
a relationship is fading, whenever he thinks he's found
someone who looks better. He never stops looking, even
after he's been married for years.
Even when he's with you, there's no real fun with a Waffler
because he can't enjoy the here and now. He's always
imagining a prettier face, bigger tits, a taller, longer-
legged version of you somewhere. No real woman ever lives
up to the fantasy one in his mind.
A Waffler can change his philosophy of life in an hour; he
considers changing careers, homes, selling out and moving
away. Nothing he already has is ever any good for very
long. He thinks that more or different or new acquisitions
will make him happy. What he really needs is about two
years of intensive professional help, not you.
- The Supervisor
- The Supervisor is a natural critic and speaks only from
his own perfection. When you meet him, he immediately gives
you all his credits, and lets you know you're very lucky
he's chosen you. Naturally, you're impressed by his good
taste. It's obvious from he way he criticizes everyone else
that you and he are the perfect two. If it isn't obvious,
he tells you.
He knows how you should dress, put your makeup on, even
brush your teeth, and as long as you agree, he's happy. He
knows what will make you happy, too. He will direct your
career, tell you how to talk to your mother, even what you
want in lovemaking. He knows without a doubt that what you
really need the most is him.
There's always a moment when things start to go sour in a
relationship with a Supervisor: when he discovers you don't
dust the tops of the doors. The first chink in your
perfection is his opening. From there he splits your self-
confidence apart, leaving your ego in little pieces.
Suddenly you can't do simple things you always did almost
automatically. If you make coffee, the pot burns up. If
it's a roast, it's still frozen on the inside. There's no
way you can do anything right.
It's all downhill from there. Soon the slightest infraction
of the supervisor's rules of conduct turns him into a raging
beast and you into a tear-dripping mess.
- The Carpetbagger
- The Carpetbagger is easy to spot because he stayed over
at your apartment one night and he's still there. He
doesn't have to call home because he doesn't have one. His
dog is in the car and so are most of his belongings. He
always has enough clothes with him to last at least a month.
He's always broke and hungry when he gets to your place and
will stay as long as you feed him and give him lots of love.
He's attractive and sweet and helpful around the apartment
and a wonderful lover. He has a way of just fitting in.
But, of course, he never takes you anywhere.
He's either about to make a fortune or has just lost one,
and it makes a wonderful story. He knows you'll nurture him
No matter how much you give the Carpetbagger, he doesn't
give anything back, except playing the guitar and making
love. When you think he's gotten everything you have to
offer, eaten all the food in the apartment, finished the
wine, and exhausted you, he'll say, "I have a load of dirty
clothes in the trunk of my car. Is it okay if I just put
them in your machine?" Then he needs dogfood for his Great
Dane, stationery to write his mother, a stamp of course, and
do you have a sweater big enough for him to borrow?
In the beginning the Carpetbagger can be tender and delicate
with his lovemaking, almost worshipful, a wellspring of
foreplay. But when he finishes with lovemaking he usually
finds something urgent he must do, leaving you with a
foretaste of his ultimate splitting. After he's moved on to
a fresh nurturer, your apartment feels empty, as though your
favorite guppy passed away.
- The Fairy Godfather
- The Fairy Godfather is almost impossible to resist. His
pitch is that he's not like all those other men who weren't
so nice. He's different, and he's here to show you what
real love is like. "Just give me a chance," he begs.
Whatever your secret fantasy is, the Fairy Godfather ferrets
it out. He wants to make you happy, so he pretends to be
whatever you always wanted. He promises to make your dreams
come true, even before he knows specifics. He loves you,
loves you, loves you! He never takes his eyes or his hands
off you. Even if there's something obviously wrong with the
man, you pretend he's okay because, after all, he does love
you and that's good for something.
In almost no time at all, he's like a member of your family.
Your parents always ask how he is. They too believe your
Fairy Godfather is going to protect you from the world.
Whatever your dreams -- marriage, career, a family, travel -
- the fairy Godfather is here to make them true. He not
only makes dates in advance, he has wonderful things planned
for the rest of your life.
The fantasy dangled before you by the Fairy Godfather is
like a golden carrot, and like a tired racehorse you perk up
at the bait. Soon, the idea of losing him is inextricably
tied to the thought of losing all those dreams, of never
getting to do all the wonderful things he has planned for
you. You see houses, trips, true love, marriage and babies
floating away with his love, and so you battle to keep your
It's a losing fight. The Fairy Godfather is a fantasy
(partly ours) and his promises are worth less than the paper
they're not written on. You finally begin to notice that
nothing you both talk about every actually happens.
What To Do If You Keep Winding Up With These
If you're really ready for a grown-up relationship, and
you're not just using unsuitable men to avoid commitment,
then work through my article
"Developing Realistic Criteria", which will help you
stay away from the Time-Wasters. Then follow the step-by-
step process outlined in the rest of this Section and the
next two Sections faithfully, and you'll be in a fulfilling,
committed relationship within a year.
- Read my article "Spotting the
- Read my article on "`Qualifying'
- Read "The Nosebiter" in
Section 3 of my Library, and all the "Did For Love" case
histories in Section 1, and let them strengthen your resolve
to stop falling in love so quickly.
Related Keywords: Your Requirements, Qualifying Someone, Bad Prospects, Criticism
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